1) PRELUDE TO ABYSS - BEYOND GATVOL

To Emma, Megan, and Reece. I ask that you pass the kindness on and don’t blind copy your mothers’ atrocious attitudes, mindset, and disgusting criminal behaviour. Sadly, there are no ways to teach a selfish person to be unselfish.

Kindness spent on the selfish is wasted. But I did it for you, not her. Embrace humility and grace, not your parent’s greed and malice…

This is for my father who was subjected to rotten wickedness.

This is for me who met similar demons.

This is for all of us to check our moral compass...

TRANSCENDENCE

1. a state of being or existence above and beyond the limits of material experience.
[syn: transcendence, transcendency]

2. the state of excelling or surpassing or going beyond usual limits.
[syn: transcendence, transcendency, superiority]

Transcendence – A clear word picture for transformation

Blessed are the peacemakers – Yet sometimes we need to climb back up that totem pole...

[Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will realise that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how we ran the race. So, smile, laugh, forgive, and always give your best]

? ? ? ? ? ?

Don’t know if I’ll ever forget the reasons I cried and who caused the pain. It’s the who that caused the pain that makes it so painful! Doesn’t matter anymore. Some of the valuable strategies learned on coping and healing are timeless lessons...

But first, who did cause the pain?

How does a person get sooo - GATVOL...

For a mother who spent a lifetime feeding the wrong wolf – Here’s to FAITH AND THE REDEEMING POWER OF TRUTH

It’s been said that one of the best ways of serving humanity is to write a book. We all should write at least one. So important even God wrote a book...?

Well, let's just start with this blog...

Dear Mom

James Joyce is right about history being a nightmare—but it may be that nightmare from which no one can awaken. People are trapped in history and history is trapped in them. – James Baldwin

People like to sanitise history. Remove its putrid stench from their memory. Recreating versions more amenable to their fragile egos and fetid souls. Recall a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche: “The strength of a person’s spirit would then be measured by how much ‘truth’ he could tolerate, or more precisely to what extent he needs to have it diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified.”

This blog begins with a nightmare. If you are easily offended stop reading. First part describes people’s choices and criminal behaviour. So may unfortunately shock some readers. Absurd, unbelievable are words that may come to mind. These events are lived, breathed, sweated & cried.

Writing these cringe worthy words with sorrow, though without reticence or shame. Abhorrent? Disgusting? Childish? Trauma nonetheless...

Is this my last sunset? Better make it a good one!

Numb! - From years of trauma, Numb. Still preferable from the pain & depression caused when that numbness thaws.

My father’s ‘crazy’ is clearer now...

Driving aimlessly around as those fleeing from themselves do. Recently picked up a something to eat from McDonald’s drive through. Saw the ‘happy meal’ option & the fleeting thought of I need some of that – but not being into gimmicks opted for the larger portions.

Parked now. Attached a length of flexible pool hose to the exhaust. It’s secured through the window behind me.

After days of rain, it’s a beautiful evening. Sitting in my Ute eating the not so happy meal listening to the waves crashing against the rocks below. I’ve brought along my favorite single malt whiskey. The Balvenie, introduced by my brother-in-law, bless him. This bottle has been given by a friend. Me saving it, preferring to work through those less special bought bottles very slowly. Single malt and Maccas... and now Single malt with Maccas coke – sacrilege, but who cares. Preferring Pepsi, the coke tastes mediocre at best and haven’t had any in... can’t remember how long? But the whiskey improves it immensely. I sit there after the feed chasing the Maccas taste away by enjoying the whiskey straight from the bottle letting the flavors swirl around before swallowing.

A last coffee from earlier combined with the meal, coke & whiskey mean I now need to wee. Thought fleetingly about relieving myself right there in my pants in the seat because who cares? We all piss & shit ourselves when we die. We’re past caring at that point.

There was another vehicle parked off to my left. A few other cars had come & gone. I had reversed into some bushes so casual observers wouldn’t see the hose leading from the exhaust. Anything more than casual observation would have revealed it, but most people live in a combination of being totally wrapped up in themselves and minding their own business. Some even outdoors still with eyes glued to a screen in faraway thought and fantasies oblivious to their surroundings. Pitiful species we humans?

Taking a short walk to the edge of the steep bank overlooking the beautiful Pacific Ocean I unzip my fly & angle diagonal to the slight breeze blowing. Relief, but now observe a man over my right shoulder, he pretends not to notice – who cares? A wave of bliss as I look out towards the Tollgate Islands.

The swollen rivers from rain had turned the sea brown, but the Pacific blue was coming back surprisingly quick. I was enjoying the moment & if this guy pretending not to watch was feeling awkward that was his problem.

The whiskey’s punching my faculties harder than a heavy weight boxer and movements are sluggish. Better not stumble down this bank, but if it happens – shit, that was close!

I hadn’t had much liquor in years as had pretty much cut it out of my life. Today though I had no intention of dying sober.

Stumbling back to the Ute (bakkie) I again sit in silence. The evening is getting along now. A boat is coming in, looks like a little fishing boat. Maybe I should get a boat? It’s serene. Do I really want out of this place?

Down to my left observe through some trees a silhouette of someone walking their dog along the far side of Corrigan’s beach. The dog is off its lead and even from such a distance they just bigger than specks but can see by its movements it’s a happy dog. Nose down sniffing, tail up... Makes me think of Justine Clarke singing ‘I’m a happy dog’ from a children’s show. Have the Wiggles and other children’s songs from ABC Ingrained in my head. 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed, now 5 little monkeys jumping in my head? Daddy finger Daddy finger where are you... the singing was pleasant and calming for both baby and me.

Apparently, Dopamine is the universal currency incentivizing and driving us in both work and play? Well somewhere within there’s a serious lack of this currency. Dopamine broke!

Thought I had finally managed to put the trauma of the past behind me. Satan had other plans. She had released her demons upon me, and they were only feeding one wolf – see the following popular metaphor of unknown origin often attributed to the Cherokee or Lenape people:

An elder was teaching his young grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you—and inside every other person, too."

The boy thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

"Which wolf will win?"

The elder simply replied,

"The one you feed.

Will reference back to this metaphor later when we explore healing. And atrocious behavior.

For now, the numbness was so intense it has a feeling of worthless nothingness all its own. Not even thought of sex would trigger Dopamine. Do I go on one last hunting trip? Maybe this one should have a prize of a certain disgusting individuals scrotum rather than majestic antelope? So abhorrent the prick even adopting the namesake. The only thing stirring any resemblance of excitement was exploring death itself. Satanic wolf is having an engorged feast.

A few days earlier when I could feel the wolf begin to feed again, began to pray. Starting with the words “fuck you God...” and being superstitious immediately regretted it. From not reading the bible in years the first book I happened to scroll through was Deuteronomy which basically summarizes as Curses and Punishment for disobedience followed by, well I wanted something lighter hearted, more New Testament style and began scrolling. Having a bible app on your phone means you scroll quickly through pages. Probably not the best way but a start. Words and text jump out at you quickly while deciphering if you’re interested or not. Between some guy called John and skipping most of Acts to Romans the message was clear: Sin leads to spiritual death. Couldn’t be a more accurate description. Here I had landed in heaven on earth. And living a hell. The internal conflict caused by sin whether done by us or bestowed upon us by others leads to death and destruction.

OK, What then?? If you are a real thing show yourself! Some twisted sky fairy taking pleasure in our torment?

Blasphemy being the ‘eternal and unforgivable sin’.

I’m screwed.

Scrolling through the pages of this professedly great book scholars have studied for centuries and supposedly changes lives the third place it happened upon was the book of Haggai. A simple message about rebuilding the temple. A very significant and powerful message of rebuilding that which is broken. I had never heard of this Haggai fellow before. Now will never forget him. The journey of rebuilding my life and business will maybe be itself rewarding? Even more so than the end goal? What is the end goal? Our purpose? There’s another simple message in that book and that is the little to no meaning in fruitless prosperity. What?

When you sow much and harvest little. You eat but never have enough. You drink and never have your fill. Endless chasing of more, more, more & never attaining – ‘enough’...?

I had been wired & driven to ‘build’ and ‘do’ and ‘achieve’ and knew in many ways it was escapism. Driven more by Brent's ego than my own. No matter, the loss of that which has been built and ‘achieved’ was excruciating. Not even the loss. That was a choice. The pain came from the knowledge that I did it knowing there would be no reciprocity of any of the good-will. My brother had married a ‘skelm’ (sly and deceitful women). When he died, I had made a fateful choice to not seek the vengeance of justice for their criminality for the sake of his children. Yet, here she was again, along with my own mother feeding their evil wolves. n ‘Lekkerkry’ from sowing contention and nastiness…

Rewiring myself to daily contentedness was and still is a major challenge. But know it’s a key to enjoying the rest of our short lives here.

Got me thinking of something I read once in the vein of: The one who plants trees knowing they will never sit in their shade, has at least started to understand the meaning of life. We will reference back to these highlighted metaphorical words.

Yebo, but men need to be wired to build & do & improve & achieve! To surpass our limits every day. We’re cursed if we don’t. If we’re not improving, we’re deteriorating. No alternatives or in between. Allowing ourselves to be influenced by others to the point of losing sight of our own life’s goals we slowly lose sight of our own purpose – incrementally, unnoticed at first, hidden by comfort zones. I had fallen for this curse of allowing others to influence me to the point of losing purpose. Losing sight of my goals. No more dreams, just a living nightmare. Reaching the point where you don’t recognize yourself. After years of severe trauma, we seek & value peace. Sadly, the females in my life especially my own mother thrived on contention & drama. Capitalizing on your desire for peace they get away with unnatural, spiteful and disgusting behavior. Allowing people especially those close to me, 'family' to get away with this atrocious behavior in the hope of 'peace' had slowly and unwittingly reduced myself from Alpha male to blackbelt in 'simpjitsu'. Aimlessly drifting through life surviving each day lurching & searching for the now not so comforting comfort zones of familiar routine. Habits: The good ones can be our best friends, but the bad ones – our worst enemies!

Later in the blog we explore ways of improvement, even as we age & our bodies degenerate there are other ways of harnessing habit and thought for our own benefit. If we don’t, they make life miserable.

After stumbling so far down the rabbit hole it’s not easy to change...

Without thinking & forgetting the hose I started the engine. The diesel exhaust fumes took me by surprise and reminded me of what I did earlier. I knew sitting there with the engine running was playing with death. This excited me. The first ever so little Dopamine hit in I couldn’t even remember how long. And the radio came on with the engine starting. Some nice music, difficult to pull away from by turning engine off again.

I'm good, yeah, I'm feelin' alright

Baby, I'ma have the best fuckin' night of my life...

Think a song by Bebe Rexha, but not 100% certain.

And wherever it takes me, I’m down for the ride...

So I just let it go, let it go

Oh-na-na-na-na-na

No, I don’t care no more, care no more...

You don’t remember blurb songs & adverts but at some point U2 started playing. One of their timeless songs. Couldn’t think of the name but remember thinking how ironic if they play ‘Beautiful Day’. The sun setting over the Clyde River and bay & our new home somewhere in the hills between the river & setting sun. Yes, this is a good way to go...

That led feeling where you can no longer feel or move your arms or legs came quicker than expected. More than just whiskey & accumulated months & years of fatigue. Exhaustion from caring for a baby and special needs child, I was so tired now. Still fighting to stay awake because know if I fall asleep now will never wake up. Thoughts of releasing the weight of the world come at you like enchanted temptation. How do you resist? Even though you love your family more than anything else over time you have come to hate yourself and believe them better off without you. It’s a motivating factor. Later when we explore healing one of the biggest challenges is learning to live with and love yourself again. Learning to live for yourself again. Often a reason why we can’t let go of past unfair treatment is our sense of justice being centered around disgust. Not only disgust at the villains inflicting said trauma, but disgust with yourself for not doing something about it.

In the foggy distance the phone ringing over the Bluetooth system has interrupted the music. Don’t feel like answering. Probably a spam call? There’s a lot of that especially this time of day. Call centers...? Or my wife? Who I didn’t want to face. After a few rings it took a lot of effort to answer. Which I did more for delaying the encroaching sleep than anything else.

An automated recording comes booming over the Bluetooth speaker ‘this is Amazon prime informing you that if you don’t pay... ‘bla bla bla threat, threat. I don’t even have an Amazon prime account. Spammers! Fuck Amazon! Though I doubt Jeff Bezos knows how much his company is being used as front for scammers. Fuck Amazon anyway! Last thing I want to take into the afterlife is a memory of some BS automated spam call.

For the first time in a long time the feeling of anger encroaches. It’s a powerful motivator. As this blog is about healing, we will explore emotion and feelings along the journey. Know it’s not the ‘masculine’ thing, but this is not a swaggering bravado or victim rant. Just writing what is. And something I’ve questioned from an early age. What would drive a person to commit suicide? The pull of death? When dad shot himself in front of me, it became more than just casual curiosity. I have lost friends and witnessed my father’s death firsthand. This blog is about exploring healing. & holding perpetrators of the disgusting accountable. Not from a theoretical psychologist or psychiatrist perspective, or religious epiphany but lived experience. Spirituality? Well healing is often a spiritual journey. Brace yourself...

Oh, he got religious & found a crutch? Na, that’s man-made shit…

The thought of blissful passing gone. Some crappy song was playing & my inner peace broken. I wanted out but not like this. Wanted memories of my children and beauty to accompany me, not some rude automated spam message. The dreadful noise now broadcast from the radio brings my ten-year-old's voice ‘yeah no dad, this music doesn’t speak to me’. That little amusement right there is reason to stick around even only for a while longer. There is such healing power in humor. When my father died it was pointed out what a selfish act suicide is. Love my family too much to be that guy. I now see why. My questions about suicide somewhat answered, with emphasis on somewhat.

Mustering all my strength I fight to push the window button. Fortunately, not having to hold it down I managed. Then to turn the key. Mammoth exertion! Don’t know if I passed out from the exertion or fell asleep. Then I was back but barely conscious. Every movement a huge effort. Need to wee again. I’m in no state to get out the vehicle, let alone walk. Don’t know if it was voluntary or involuntary but the warmth of wee oozing from my lap down between my legs was comforting. Relief again! From somewhere through this semi-conscious haze, I hear Kevin Costner calling ‘build it & they will come...’ A scene from an old movie I hadn’t even thought of for years – Field of Dreams, ‘build it & they will come’...? Am I dreaming now because though I can hardly move my mind is racing. A phrase jumping out from Richard Branson's autobiography - 'just do it' parts of a poem I couldn't remember the name of 'This is the dead land, this is the cactus land' skipping to 'Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear at five o'clock in the morning'... leading to

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

It’s dark when I wake up. The headache and joint pain that followed lasted what seemed for weeks.

It came from The Hollow Men by T.S. Elliot

A reflection of despair, apathy and spiritual emptiness of a post WW1 society - words extracted from the write up when I was searching from where those words ringing through my head had originated. Makes sense now. My own despair, apathy and spiritual emptiness. Fragmented, alienated. The fulfillment of every woman's dream & fantasy - Taming the spirit of a wild stallion, breaking it down to that of a pack horse - sadly the romance novels leave out the - & then discarding it as a worthless piece of shit that gives you 'the ick' once the boredom sets in... That's reality facing so many men fallen for the same BS - trying to keep the peace, do what's good for their families, being broken incrementally by one drama control freak boss chick temper tantrum at a time... You go girl! You deserve it... whatever makes you FEEL GOOD right?

Went to sleep with those words Not with a bang but a whimper wringing on repeat through my mind.

Branded into my being leading to the deathbed test of Nah, Fuck it! 'Time for these fuckers to be famous...'

A year later I’ve come back to that spot. Pray and give thanks for that spam call. Imagine. The council has done some welcome upgrades. Car park and walkways are opened up & much improved. A nice new shiny barrier to stop people slipping & falling down the bank like I had nearly did the year before. Standing there leaning on the new barrier remembering that wee like it was yesterday. Was a beautiful wee.

After that brush with death even though physically I’m feeling pain mentally I’m calmer. Only a little calmer but noticeable, maybe just caring less? Feelings of intense regret have been replaced by contemplation & thought. Still numb I pray asking for understanding & guidance. Later we’ll explore what I call meditative prayer. A state of meditation for clearing and refocusing our minds and prayer for healing & guarding our hearts.

Everyone’s a victim these days? Even millionaire celebrities are somehow victims. Yet society is quick to victim blame real victims. Victims blame themselves to. When you’re numb from trauma you don’t see yourself as a victim. You just trying to survive. This writing is me exploring the healing process. What part of that death & destruction within me is my doing? What part has been bestowed upon me and by who? And motives?

A high-profile rape case has just been dismissed from court. Circumstances are often unfair but just as society cannot blame a girl being raped on her wearing a pretty dress, a part of healing is taking that decision to not carry blame anymore for the physical, mental, emotional, and financial rape yours truly has been subjected to. Writing events down helps the healing process. Both distancing yourself from that sense of disgust as well as diminishing it to what it is. A past event. Just as a pretty dress does not make a creep stick his unwanted cock up a girl’s innermost, these disgusting dishonest greedy creeps will be examined. Their behavior explored. The creep may use the pretty dress as reason and excuse in the same way the fuckers I write about here will have their own excuses. If feelings get hurt, too bad. That’s a consequence of disgusting behavior? Whatever makes you feel good right? Nah, you have thick skins. And yes, women rape to. They are even more calculating and viscous. Spite is a terrible thing. My own mother being the queen of spite. Like demons congregating, spite attracts spite as the malevolent bounce around in their own echo chambers justifying their behavior. When Herman Charles Bosman wrote his short stories about Die Groot Marico, he didn’t even change names knowing it adds authenticity and his characters ‘Oom Schalk Lourens’ among others wouldn’t be reading his works. For authenticity of events causing trauma, I will not change names. Just because the things I write about are nasty & horrible doesn’t mean they’re not true. When people behave in a disgusting manner dishing out nastiness to whoever they feel entitled, must not cry when said behavior is exposed. The mirror of behavior we will explore will give a very ugly reflection.

There is a theist theme throughout this writing. This because of the questioning I have undertaken. The worst trauma of my life came shortly after The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins had done it’s rounds through our house. It was my brother’s new bible of belief in non-belief which armed him with a fervent nastiness to justify the wielding of abuse like only a person driven by demons can validate. Up until that time I had developed a skepticism of virgin births and walking on water and miracles, and all the other mumbo jumbo various religions conjure.

The book of James is for me one of the most insightful books of the New Testament. A book filled with wisdom. A quicker read than Solomon’s Proverbs of the Old Testament. Great wisdom and insight can be gained from reading these books and understanding their content.

Changing your life is baby steps, one step at a time. Making a daily routine of contemplating timeless wisdom. Wisdom Studied by the wise not just for hundreds of years but thousands, is hint a good first baby step. Just as there’s wisdom to be learned in any good fiction, from a Shakespearian play to Charles Dickins painting a picture of society of his time, and the characters, human nature stays constant.

Without quoting the verses as James is an easy enough read and anyone can peruse for yourself, I have a dilemma: How do I write about trauma experienced at the hands of others without being critical? So will write about events and behavior along with thoughts as experienced. As a reader gaining insight into lived experience causing unnecessary trauma may help understanding the healing processes discussed later.

*** (Wherever readers see three stars is where writing and content was/is still to be added)

The Queen died a short time ago. A beacon of decency in a decaying society. Sometimes attacked by media for the sake of it. History says there’s blood on those crown jewels? Maybe, but it’s not our blood. It’s the blood of history. And history, real history is a messy bloody business. Circumstances put her into that position and the length of time she was Queen indication on how well she performed. Still, she didn’t take those jewels with her... That’s life, a journey. In the end we all leave and the only jewels we take with us are our memories. We choose the memories we take – like we choose which wolf we feed.

Will leave the philosophy for others but in this vein maybe that Heaven or Hell is more by design of our own ‘free will’ bestowed? Putting the ‘free will’ in brackets because how free are we? We can only choose our responses under the circumstances we find ourselves in.

We’re living in a world of broad scale demoralisation of men. Finding myself like so many others living a life of silent desperation, begin searching for ways to overcome this in the hope my kids and others can learn and hopefully not – A hole men often fall in by being overly accommodating… Don’t know about a God that needs constant praise and worship, think he’s bigger than that. Thanks, sure but more because a grateful heart takes us further in life. A lot further. But do we live in a world of design rather than chance? Sure. Until shown otherwise, the intricate amazement of this world happening by random chance? Yeah no, smoke another joint dude. Atheists scoff at religion saying it’s like believing in fairies at the bottom of the garden – dismissing the gardener... But all those contradictions? Benevolence, yet fire & brimstone and all that killing... Worship me or you’ll be punished – but I do love you? Yet meaning in those words ‘the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom’... philosophy’s a weird subject? Good dose of insanity in all religion. But for healing, you have to keep faith. The alternative is a cynical and bitter epilogue to our lives.

Why Faith?

It’s the courage that allows us to embrace the possibilities of the future. The unknown treasure chest of what could be. What and how we contend with and wrestles those possibilities into being. Gives us hope for a positive and good vision of the future and to act upon that future as it comes at us accordingly with a positive mindset. This life, we’re all merely passing through. Faith ushers a better world not just for ourselves, but all of us.

We live in a world of abundance and opportunity. More so now than ever before in history. Everyone alive today and reading this can begin with being thankful for this at least…

Keep the faith and act upon the possibilities that come at us – in good faith!

Why Truth?

Each lie no matter how small = another step of our souls into the abys. The only way out is truth… Nothing puts a restless mind at ease more than truth. Why Satan loves a confusing, antagonistic & contentious muddle of lies. The world may seem easier to navigate spinning lies. Can gain people popularity, a short cut through some classes at school? Until it comes back and hits you in the face...

Love?

We’ll explore this often-misunderstood thing, emotion, feeling in more detail later. It’s a doorway to kindness. The two walk together and make the world a better place. So many people see kindness as weakness. A foreign concept to those raised in a climate of hostility and nastiness.

Hope?

Hope is an anchor for the soul. A gateway for joy and peace. A major prize when satanic demons come at you. Leaving you in despair. Satan so often uses those close to us. Truly believing they’re ‘acting in your best interest…’ believing the negative ‘advice’ they so easily impart. You wonder how so many of the worlds wisest have time for running commentary on social media these days? Satan flows through our world in every way possible and we are so unaware of it, just normalised. Against this backdrop hope is what keeps us going, while faith is what allows us to overcome…

Forgiveness?

We’ll cover this later in the book. First, we start with Accountability. Why? Because that leads to our next topic: Responsibility?

*** The three stars indicate where I was going to return to in order to add content...

That ‘free will’ can best be used to choose the abstract. Our emotions, feelings, thoughts, control of impulsive behavior & redesign habits. This can change the real world we live in. We are given the ability to think for ourselves, yet so few people do.

Thinking of mother now and the anger I feel towards her spite and nastiness is not constructive. Another aspect of healing is learning to control the direction of thought. We’ll explore some ways how later in this book.

Today we are standing on the shoulders of giants. Enjoying the shade of the tree they planted. Yet so many people work at cutting the tree down. Greed! Want to be ‘rich’ not realising the real wealth is in the shade more than the timber. Is your legacy going to be one of shade? Or greed? This is a story of me working hard at planting trees only to have them cut down – stolen. You can say oh how stupid to let it happen. So, as we go will examine the circumstances, thought process and reasoning.

A few weeks later my wife is suffering chest pains on top of her rheumatoid joint pain. You don’t realise how much you care for a person until you see them suffering. Love? Yes. Respect? Yes. Sadly, a poor choice I was encouraged to take led to specific festered resentments. Is it me? Maybe? I made a mistake of lending too much weight & value to her opinions. It has cost me dearly. Yet the blame is mine, not hers. Satan does use people. Often without their awareness. Especially those closest to us. Many wives work at breaking down their husbands. Wired into their fantasies. Just the way it is. Doesn’t make them bad. Just human. The female version. It’s Beauty & the Beast right there. Driven to change him. Tame him? My mother did it to my father and my wife has similarities. I knew this. But went along with the decision anyway. The consequence of justice would have been my brothers’ children growing up in a bitter, resentful home with a bleak outlook on life. I’m thinking yeah, but what about our home and our children? And the consequence of not holding people accountable for their disgusting behavior? Cost of Indulging criminals. Still, she has wisdom and insight and I’m jet-lagged and tired. Most of all, tired of the nastiness... maybe if I demonstrate kindness & goodwill there might be healing? Do I really want to be like their father? Even worse their mother? Or ‘die Winter Miskiet’? No, that’s no way to conduct oneself. I knew the goodwill would not be returned, but for the well-being of my brother's children went along with it anyway.

When people have gotten away with putting you down, humiliating you at every opportunity, it’s strange how they feel offended when you stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, some parts of healing your own soul may involve just that. Getting blunt. Apologies to readers, this blog will be a little blunt. Reversing the putting you down and getting yourself back up sometimes requires getting a bit blunt. Do you want to get back up your totem pole or not?

Men have a natural tendency to accommodate what I call the estrogen curse – the shit women dish up and expect to get away with. Has something to do with the way women are drawn to chaos and the accompanying attention. There's a saying that attention is crack cocaine for women, and accountability is their kryptonite. Observing my own mother and other bitches in my family can conclude women want a man that makes their lives easier. Men want a woman that doesn't make his life harder. Women are not all things nice and sugar & spice (Look how they behave on TikTok & social media) The ones in my family - Tina Turner says What’s love but a second-hand emotion. What’s love got to do with it? Loved my mother and unfortunately Tina Turner is correct, my heart was broken. Deep down you know she’s a twisted narcissistic psychopath, but don’t want to believe it. But when you care for people, you feel their pain to. I’m all at once resenting, grateful and proud of my wife pushing so hard at work. I’m hating myself for the financial straight jacket I’ve allowed myself to fall into. Listening to ill advice for the sake of keeping a short and fragile peace. Readers may say silly idiot. But when you have been traumatized & bullied to the extent I have, there's nothing more valuable than peace. Men reading this will understand easier. Women on the other hand may find that a foreign concept as generally being drawn to create drama. Craving & thriving on drama with the attention it brings. They wanted to be nasty. Let's give them some of that attention. Will use my ‘naivety’ as a case study so hopefully my children, and others will not make the same mistakes... ‘Naivety’ is in brackets because deep down you know the nature of people. Yet you still want to give them a chance to play nice. Well, I do anyway but have realized that most people don’t. As one reads through Biblical stories there are certain things that are so accurately described pertaining to people and behavior. Greed, lust, malice and nastiness are things we can understand no matter the setting and the wisdom gained from trying to understand the meanings and messages is timeless. In Kings the story of Jezebel and who one associates with, the worship of false idols and Baal is as true today as it was then. The way women are drawn to chaos & drama, and the reasons why. The times and players may be different, but the demons are still the same... If you walk with wicked people, you too will do wicked things. Those same demons remain here today.

With my business and mental state totally FUCKED - vandalized, defrauded, stolen & dismissed. Raped after so many years of HARD work – How did we get here...?

It has more to do with the meaning of a quote by Robin Williams: 'I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone'...

When you dance with the devil, the devil does not change - only you change

Contemplating death as appealing is not normal. How much abuse does it take to drive someone to contemplate such thoughts? As an attractive option 'nogal'. It is not normal for a person to want to die. This is because though our lives are finite, our creator has bestowed an eternity into our hearts and being. Wanting to live forever is normal in a happy being, a natural instinct. What is so bad as to rob us of that eternity in our hearts? The desire for the infinite?

Yes, the secret of a contented life is to arrange things & order one's life so that we always have something to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Is it selfish? Do you only wish to become a better psychopath? The real fruits of life are good character and contribution that moves society forward.

We'll end this post with some thoughts by Marcus Aurelius, debatably the greatest proponent of the philosophy of Stoicism:

• Amor Fati - It didn't happen to you, it happened for you. Fate chose it for you, accept it, embrace it, bear it, make something of it! A FIRE TURNS EVERYRTHING INTO FUEL AND BRIGHTNESS

• Memento Mori - Life is short, do everything as the thoughts and actions of a dying person. Life is fragile. Live while you can, seize the day.

If this reads like a book it's because I began writing intending it to be one...

Maybe a blog form is better?

The different word editor kept changing from UK to US English so there may be a combination of the two...

Keep in mind: This Transcendence blog begins as a mirror reflecting upon behavior certain individuals willingly embraced. Behavior that is criminal, disgusting, and traumatizing...