INTRO - WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

My name is Tristan. This trauma begins in Middelburg East Cape, South Africa. Will be writing as Churn. A childhood nickname. Why? To reflect upon the horrendous, requires looking upon the happenings as a spectator from the outside, could not believe what I was witnessing, LIVING... Sometimes I will write in the 1st person, sometimes as a spectator. When you are traumatized, that's how life is. A 3rd person in numb bewilderment. Looking upon your life in bewildered disbelief. Reduced to survival mode. Numb, physically and emotionally numb surviving one day at a time. Slowly the numbness leads to depression as the mismatch between our actual and perceived competence grows. Any potential of happiness fades at about the same rate as our true potential. You cannot escape the trauma as it’s branded into your whole being including your soul. Our lives slip away, robbed of even the possibility of living anything resembling normal. Hypersensitive to negative emotion, suppressing anything remotely positive as we’re drawn to and comforted by the familiarity of disappointment.

Depression is hell! Realising how complete the curse is. How do we reverse from this state? Not just the feeling downs. The monster that drives one to jump from a tall building, hang oneself as a friend did. Shoot oneself as a friend and my father did. Gas yours truly as – so close: We’ll begin blog 1 there... GATVOL!

How do we or even can we rid ourselves of the demons? One day our body will return to dust, but our soul, our most precious is now their home. Infected, we become spectators looking in unable to intervene. Or are we?

Chemical imbalance, or a lack of serotonin is apparently associated with depression. Take a pill? Maybe some prozac? Fluoxetine side effects (agitation, insomnia & suicidal thoughts + a multitude of other beasts lurking & God help you if too much) – maybe not for everyone. Highlights one of the problems with modern medicine: treatment of symptoms rather than causes? At this stage recognise yourself as the patient and treat the whole patient, not just quick fix the symptoms

There is a way to healing. As you read through this series of blogs maybe a realisation that in order to transcend from this state the process can sometimes be blunt and brutal. I will try keeping language and writing acceptable. Alas at times it will reflect the blunt & brutal as a reflection of behaviour we’re going to case study.

There are not 'two sides' to this story. That's what the dishonest will claim to obscure their disgusting behaviour.

There are not 'three sides' - what you think happened, what I think happened, what happened. That's for lawyers and politicians to practice their craft of deceit. Only one what happened. Something either happened or it didn't. No if or maybe or oh but...

There's only one story. One truth. And it is traumatic! A trauma needing exposure, examination - and rest.

Experiences may differ. But ultimately there is only one truth. If you as a reader are into judgement, remember the experiences of the people inflicting and obviously enjoying the stealing, vandalizing, hitting, hurting and insulting will be vastly different from the one on the receiving end... That is why throughout this blog we will be staying with the real names of the thieves, vandals, and individuals who gained much enjoyment from their disgusting & shitty behaviour. That they may feel the 'enjoyment' by reflecting upon their behaviours again. And again. And again...

It's dangerous exposing identities online, including your own. Opens an invitation to malice and ridicule. Problem is, this what I write about is so bizarre, by changing names would seem too unreal, too unbelievable. Churn writes what he has witnessed, been appalled by. What Tristan experienced, cried, LIVED, and sadly watched die. More importantly to some degree has learned to live with...

To a vile Brother - Brent Gibbons, who do you think you are? Bullying, thieving, vandalizing, stealing, insulting, assaulting, threatening, hitting, the foul mouth fraudster. JEOLOUSY...

To his greedy racist wife - Willemien, who do you think you are? Foul mouth, dishonest, immoral, ungrateful, boastful - sad

GREED...

Churn could not understand this union, except that like attracts like and once they entered their disgusting echo chamber their behaviour became a reflection of their mindsets and attitudes. To say Satan wasn't present is delusional. Their words, deeds & disgusting behaviour were/are driven by something from within - something evil? Whatever it is, it isn't normal.

To a devouring mother - Antoinette, who do you think you are? Poison. In both thought and deed. Who allows such trauma...?

PRIDE...

To Dad - Ted, who do you think you are? I understand your pain now. But the everlasting trauma you left...

DISPAIR...

To Kay Donian aka 'die winter muskiet', who do you think you are? I understand your and my father's sister's problem with my mother. But the way you bob around in church yet were driven by a disgusting blood lust to try fuck up my life for insatiable malice and greed... The conceited smirk of evil. HYPOCRISY...

The biggest enemies of Jesus are the religious hypocrites. They're the biggest enemies of decency.

Don't know if my cousins knew the true extend of their fathers' vile behaviour? In many ways navigating life in the wake of their father being eerily like myself having to navigate through the wake of a malicious & nasty mother. Something I am still coming to terms with. By far the biggest driving force motivating this writing. Because the demons may change hosts, but they don't change. Learning to navigate those demons - will be beneficial to any reader. Lest you become a host to? Think we all host demons, some just more than others...

To the gossiping rumour spreading filth, who do you think you are? The 'Ooms & Tannies' (the righteous) that couldn't help themselves, just had to fan the flames of malicious gossip & innuendo. GOSSIP...

Tristan endured a high court murder trial. Slapped across newspapers & magazines by journalists who had never met him yet wrote as if they personally know... And when it ended, I confronted the Middelburg magistrate asking about why wasn't there an inquest? She confided "We did have an inquest. But the police lied during the inquest. Unknown to me at the time. Because of the vicious rumours flying around and to clear the air, I decided to send the matter to high court for trial". Understandable. Pause and let that sink in again...

And if you think lying to a magistrate is bad, the foul play I question (with absolute certainty) is so sinister, so very evil every reader's skin should crawl. We will investigate the mentality that drives the kind of actions whereby police fiddle with evidence to convict the innocent - for ego & 'lekkerkry'. So, when I refer to them as sick motherfuckers, I mean every word!

All that - for police lies. Stuck in an Ego'd echo chamber obsessed with "doing this one properly". And sad gossiping rumour mongers.

Why did they lie? Pressure put on them by certain individuals in the community. Kay Donian in particular. Yours truly squeezed that confession out of them in high court - from the witness stand. Having an angry judge questioning them directly...

To the many Middelburg police, who do you think you are? Who not just months, but years afterwards would sidle up to me at the oddest places, like a stock fair, 'Kooperasie', in the street, pub or filling station (garage in SA) and inevitably the words would be the same: "nothing personal, we were just doing our jobs hey".

"Just doing your jobs"?? Lying to a magistrate during a 'murder' inquest "just doing your jobs"? I would stay silent. Witnessing them in their delusional echo chamber firsthand. Thank God South Africa still had an independent judiciary. The whole state engine of 'justice' grinding against a 21-year-old - "just doing their jobs" lying to a magistrate. Harassing, intimidating, insulting, belittling, insinuating - justifying their behaviour... physically pushing and shoving me around trying to get a reaction, threatening - How many times was informed "maybe we should take you for a 'draave'" - "just doing your jobs"...? Slapping our staff around calling them 'lying kaffirs' "just doing your jobs"? If you need an exact translation "jy lieg jou kaffir" with accompanying foot stomp! SICK PREDUDICED MENTALITY... Police material? 'Protect and serve'? Stop smoking yourself to dreamland... As victim, I'm staring at the consequences of these fuckers (Or fucker) fiddling with evidence. That's "just doing your job"? Fuck off!

Yet all of that was a mere curtain raiser for the trauma to come - at the hands and foul mouth of my own brother...

Lying 'experts' - state courtroom hitmen, who do you think you are?

Fritz & Isak Labuscagne of Dewetsdorp - who do you think you are? Opportunistic stock thieves, stealing, justifying disgusting behaviour, death threats, gloating, foul mouthed, racist. Despicable. DISHONESTY...

These motherfuckers must wear their hats proudly. Maybe pray for healing. Their mugs can be viewed on who's vile page @ viewthevile.com

Don't want to corrupt a site dedicated to healing & helping people with ways of improving themselves with their disgusting mugs - 'gevreets'...

Reflecting NOW upon these individuals' behaviour, Am I angry? no. Am I sad? yes. Am I thankful? surprisingly yes. Why? Part of healing is learning to view the world differently. A negative mindset will not allow you to lead a positive life. Every day & throughout the day focus and refocus on the positive. It wasn't always so. Churn very nearly killed himself only a few years ago. The relief of suicide was more welcoming than living with the pain and memories.

Without being a victim of the most horrendous behaviour, Churn would not be motivated to write. You wouldn't be reading this. Would not have used futures as mental escape. Would not be living where he is now. With the precious family he has, in the beautiful country.

More importantly, not learned that there is a higher power than us. Going through life with an ever increasingly popular atheistic mindset of being your own little god is ignorance personified. Our lives are short. Free to be happy or sad, generous & helpful or mean & miserly one day, dead the next. Represented as a hyphen or dash on a gravestone between two dates.

Read about the trauma. Be disgusted by it! Maybe entertained? Maybe learn to live your dash in a more positive way? Your memories are the only thing going with you to the afterlife? Do you want them to be Despair? Anger? Resentment? Nastiness? Envy? Meanness? Hatred? Or Happiness, Kindness, Love, Generosity? What will your legacy be? Will you be proud of your deceit & dishonesty? Will your family be proud? Greed and malice? Who cares, you'll be dead? Yeah? Maybe just conceited if you think you get away with your vile behaviour? Being exposed, not so cool? Accountability sucks? Try Justice...

There's an old Western (My Name Is Nobody) where Terrance Hill does debatably one of the most iconic slap scenes ever. As we examine the behaviour of these individuals who have contributed to this trauma, so great I have come close to ending my life twice - let us remember that scene. They need slaps like these. Let their behaviour not be forgotten or dismissed.

There's a message in that movie, one that involves a little bird landing freezing in snow. The blessing of being shat on, and the singing about it...

I wouldn't be writing this if there wasn't similar singing by my own family...

And a quote from same movie "A man who's a man, needs someone to believe in"...

The demonic is real in this world. Capturing my family, Churn witnessed it undiluted. Even directly experienced it - pulsing, enticing, justifying... There is only one path to healing. It is not psychologists, psychiatrists, pills or potions.

Was there hatred felt towards the individuals who caused such pain, humiliation, unnecessary suffering - Hell yes!

Is there hatred or hard feelings felt now? No, and that is the journey we will explore...

The quality of our lives depends upon the quality of our thoughts.

T.G - Churn

Some Fuckers need Justice - For Healing we sometimes merely need Accountability...

FRAUD

BULLYING & ASSAULT

STEALING

GREED!

MURDER

ATTEMPTED MURDER

MURDER TRIAL

- All separate :(

Couldn't make this shit up if you tried...

LYING POLICE

DEATH THREATS - The never-ending tirade of death threats

SUICIDE & SUICIDE - SEWERAGEPIPE...

DEVOURING MOTHER

LYING 'EXPERTS' - STATE HITMEN?

POLICE HARASSMENT! OOHA - The G G G - GOSSIP!

DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR!

"Maar 'n kaffir bly 'n kaffir" - WHAT?

Yes, you read that correctly. Not muttered in hushed tone, but exclaimed loudly, proudly - though we're going to make sure not anymore, and deliberately...

Opportunistic theft...

'Lekkerkry' Thrills & Joy at Hurting others...

SPITE! & NASTINESS!

'Ooms & Tannies' Gossiping & GLOATING over the hardships of others like a cackle of gleeful hyenas - sad pieces of shit...

& THE SICK MENTALITY THAT SWAGGERS THROUGH LIFE THINKING THAT'S NORMAL & COOL...

VANDALISM...

Sheep theft...

Livelihood theft...

EGO

TRAUMA!

SOME OF THE WORDS ORIGINATING FROM TRANSCENDENCE -

- MORE IMPORTANTLY - HOW TO HEAL FROM THAT HELL...

HOW TO SLAP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, RE-FOCUS & LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN

BUT OH THE PAIN AS THE NUMBNESS THAW...

MORE RACISM...

DEPRESSION - NUMB, feelings, emotions, pain - NUMB...

No more panic attacks - just numb...

SELF-RIGHTEOUS - Oh the sickening sanctimonious

Narcissists love religion...

GREED!

GREED!

RACIST POLICE Racist ideology

"Jy lieg jou kaffir"...

FOKKEN SOUTIE!!

FOKKEN SOUT PIEL!

FOKKEN ROOINEK...

DISPAIR

PLAASMOORD

FARM MURDERS

'Vaar gat daai fokken Soutie nou!?' Shouts a disgusting policeman as I walk out the police station after being threatened "we're going to take you for a draav hey! If you don't tell us naw what happened - we're going to take you for a DRAAIF!'

THREATS-xxxx

EGO!

TRAUMA! - So severe that the numbness ends the panic attacks...

Panic attacks - Shoot Da Fucker...

EGO

'Are you thick or something?'

Allegedly? - I detest that word. Lawyers & journalists love it. Allows people to insinuate the disgusting with impunity. Whenever the local newspapers were light on news, would write articles about the progress of the investigation inevitably quoting an anonymous source from the police - allegedly. Reading the articles one thinks - lock him up & throw away the key... But it's you they're writing about - and you're already numb from the trauma...

GREED!

My Brother married that disgusting piece of shit - And you wonder why he was murdered?

I sacrificed so the children of said greedy, thieving racist would be well provided for. Yet the attitudes have not changed. Time to hold this Willemien accountable...

FOUL - IN THOUGHT, WORD AND DEED...

When dealing with the demonic, narcissistic or psychopathic - if we tell people what they want to hear, we're sacrificing them. When we tell people what they need to hear, we're sacrificing ourselves.

Especially with family - the harsh truth is more loving than the sweet lie. Do I care what's best for them over what they think of me? Yeah - Maybe. You the reader can decide...

"Jou fokken dom Soutie... Ha Ha Ha Jou fokken dom Soutie...

Lekker Hof sake this year hey...

Ha Ha Ha...

I'm going t kill you, I'm going t kill you, I'm going t kill you you fokken dom soutie - Ha Ha Ha..."

Jou fokken dom poes...

Words from the foul-mouthed stock thieving piece of shit polluting Dewetsdorp going by the name of Sakkie Labuscagne - Son of morally bankrupt stock thieving piece of shit Fritz Labuscagne...

Yet they bob & weave & bow & scrape in Church & are 'baie opregte mense in die gemeenskap'

This mentality ran the country in 'The good old days'...

Little bird singing a song throughout...

Will it end in Peace? Blood? Justice? Accountability? Horror?

Maybe All? Maybe None?

'Ag Shame - The poor 'victims'...

So, Judge "Wasn't there supposed to be an inquest or something"??

"Yes, we had an inquest. But the police lied during the inquest. I didn't know at the time. And because of all the vicious rumors flying around, in order to clear the air, I sent it up to the high court for trial".

"The police lied" during a murder inquest. Directly from a magistrate's mouth. Pause and let that sink in a little...

After trial Police involved would at the oddest times and places sidle up and "No hard feeling hey. We were just doing our jobs hey..."

Last I heard lying to a magistrate during a murder inquest was not part of the job description... Whatever floats your boat...

But it's what makes us feel good right?

"Kom laat ons vat hierdie Soutie for a draav"

Life? Is it really about how much we accumulate? Or in Brent's words "score"?

Or maybe how much we contribute? To my greedy family - we don't take it with...

And the hardships? Those testing times - We as society have come to measure life's success in $$ to the point we worship money rather than growth of character

So, to me soon to be deceased mother, this will be a character-building exercise. Maybe your last? Readers that venture further into the blog will learn why I use those words 'character-building' specifically...

Tristan detests that phrase for a reason!

Do I hate the people I write about? Of course not. They're 'family'... I owe them a great thanks! Without being on the receiving end of the most horrendous & disgusting behaviour I would not be writing. The material and motivation would just not be there.

Forgive them for they know not what they do? No, they know, and also know it's wrong. But do it anyway. So, the evil perpetuates. As we go through life, our bodies are our hosts. This life is a test for how well we guard our souls within. For some the test is just more than others. Sometimes we invite evil in. Sometimes it gets directed at us by the already infected. Why narcissistic abuse is so difficult to heal from. The importance of guarding our hearts through purity of mind cannot be emphasised enough. In a world of over stimulation, the task is increasingly more difficult.

My thoughts are some people are past redemption and just need to be avoided.

What do we do when we become infected? When our bodies have been poisoned through illness or infection there are healing processes whether we go to the Dr or not is a choice. Our bodies grow, heal, change, age and die.

When our soul is infected, that is a more important thing to focus on. Our whole quality of life, not just the physical is affected. Later in the blog we'll focus more on this aspect of healing.

It begins with: We are the captains of our thoughts...

Who do you think you are?

"We're from Murder & Robbery and we're not ya for nuffing hey"!

X repeat like a stuck record...

"D'you want us to taik you for a draav"?

"Hierdie saak gaan hof toe hoor... Talk to me, Aam your Frend..." "Ag, lyk vir my dis net 'n famillie saak die"...

Fokken Souties

Who do you think you are??

'PA, PA, Hulle is Rooinekke'...

Not just South African police with a mentality of enjoying the hurt of others...

Not long in Australia and "You know, when I was on the force and feeling down, the first thing I would do is go out and find the first grub I could find and just smash him up. Just smash him up. Then I knew someone else was having a worse day than me" - Delivered with reminiscing glee...

"& then I'd feel a whole lot better"...

Lost interest in their QPS after that. Motivation gone.

An eye opener. Sad. Distasteful. Shocking. Completely opposite to my being. Watching the smirking glee of the fuckhead delivering this 'motivation' message thinking to myself how I would count all the times I have deliberately hurt someone on my one hand with fingers to spare and every time have always felt shit about it. Not enjoyment. Sadly, it is something I have come to understand about human nature. Experiencing it first-hand so many times. Being on the receiving end, a lifetime experiencing unnecessary nastiness - Past trauma triggered, couldn't work among that mentality - Protect and Serve? Yeah? Fuck Off...

1 Corinthians 3:16: "Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?"

News flash - So does Satan - Guard your heart! Guard your thoughts! Guard your soul...

And if you get that feeling of enjoyment, even a little 'skelm lekkerkry' by the hurt and pain of others - You're a sick fuck heading down a very nasty rabbit hole. Pray mate... pray

FOKKEN SOUTIE!!

"We frrom murder & robbery & we not ya for nuffing hey!"

"Oh, the great Babylon look how you have fallen" - Revelations

In this blog we're not changing names. "The further a society drifts from the truth, the more they will hate those that speak it" - George Orwell

'They say'...

'Apparently'...

'Have you heard'...

Who says?

'No, they say'...

Who says?!

'Can't tell you, but rumor has it'... 'It's widely known'...

Who?!!

I want a name! Give me the fucking name!!

"Brent - I'll never let you fail"...

"Brent - You have a selective memory"...

"Brent - What drives you to bully me like that...

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are? What are the odds of NOT having foul play by the police? ?? - Slim? to NONE... Sick fuckers Who do you think you are?